Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Conservative and suffering from commonsensivitis? There's a pill for that.

Woman: Honey, what's wrong?
Man: I don't know---I'm just not feeling like myself lately. I keep having these weird thoughts.
Woman: Thoughts?
Man: Like, maybe single-payer healthcare is the right way to go. Maybe we should increase taxes on the rich. Maybe we should keep reproductive issues between a woman and her doctor. Maybe gay marriage won’t destroy the foundation of civilization. Maybe government can be a solution for many of our problems. It feels so…
Woman: …so wrong?
Man: Yeah! It's like everything in my head is suddenly rational and clear!
Woman: Honey, you're suffering from commonsensivitis.
Man:  Commonsensiwhatis???

Bottle of pills overturned
Use only as directed by Fox News: chug the
the whole thing and then say 25 Hail Reagans.
[Cut to] Doctor in white lab coat: Commonsensivitis is a rare but serious condition that occurs when neural pathways in the conservative brain figure out how to connect to each other, producing high levels of rationality, reason and, yes, common sense. Junk food and Fox News can help destroy those connections naturally, but for really stubborn cases you need new Screwusall. Just take two Screwusall tablets and you'll be feeling like your usual paranoid, angry, loud, gun-crazy self again! Man: Defund Planned Parenthood! Kill your Medicare but not mine! Stomp unions into the dirt! Drill here, drill now! Social Security is a Ponzi scheme but don't you dare cut my benefits! Libtard voter fraud is an epidemic and I can't prove it! Obama equals Hitler! Sarah Palin speaks for me! More tax cuts for the rich! Kirk Cameron movies are instant classics! Science is for sissies! Jesus rode a dinosaur!
Woman: Welcome back to the bubble, honey! No more commonsensivitis for you!
Man: Thanks, Screwusall
Announcer: Screwusall---available at fine tea party meetings, Republican campaign rallies and bait-and-switch GOP governor's offices everywhere. Side effects include embarrassing spelling errors on protest signs, voting against your self-interest and thinking like a modern-day Republican.

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