Well Shut My Wallet!

Elayne Boosler

Writer/comedian

Posted: January 21, 2010 09:35 PM at Huffington Post

On Thursday, the Extreme Court declared money is speech and corporations are people. That makes me, like most logo-challenged Americans, a person of very few words since the recession. While most citizens can put in only their 2 cents come election time, I'll take a penny for my thoughts.

I believe the next presidential election will be between Ms. Sarah CitibankExxonMobilBankofAmericaWallStJournal Palin and Mr. Barack GMFordStarbuck'sSnappleGoogleHBO Obama. As usual, Ralph SubwayBob'sBailBondsCoffeeBeanandTeaLeafJiffyLube Nader will run as a spoiler. Their presidential racing suits will make Nascar look black tie, and the bumper stickers will be three feet long. The commercials will only be interrupted by three minutes of debate every half hour, hosted by the incomparable Mr. GoDaddy. I would like to offer myself, or "Your Name Here" as I am now known, in any capacity I can to serve my IRS.

In the meantime, can anyone fix me up with that cute Wal-Mart dude, or his friend ConocoPhilips? They're so dreamy, I'd like to bring them home to meet my Limited Partnership.

My breakup with AT&T is final and I'm done with Skype as the rebound guy. I don't care what you've heard about me, I did not have a three-way with Citigroup, big bragging liars, and I only slept with General Motors to support the troops. I'm a ten. So call me Time Warner, I want to take you to my friend's hostile takeover this weekend while his LLCs are out of town.

Tips For Welcoming Our New Citizens Into Society:

Remember, they are people, not corporations. Don't ask them how their quarter is looking, ask them how their day is going.
Forget the "whisper number," remember to whisper sweet nothings.
We're not "stockholders," we're family.
They're not mergers, they're marriages, even though gay corporations still can't.
They're not takeovers, they're adoptions, even though gay corporations still can't.
They're not conventions, they're family gatherings. You wouldn't bring a hooker to a family gathering, would you?
From now on all company reports will be once a year, in the Christmas letter.

Tips For Replacing Speech With Money:

Now that the Court has declared money to be speech, I say we replace the current Court with some Ben Franklins, Thomas Jeffersons, George Washingtons, a couple of Susan B. Anthony's, Roosevelts, Hamiltons, a Sacajawea or two, and an Abe Lincoln to cover Scalia in full.

"A piece of my mind" = About a dollar.
"You can't put a price on health" = Shut up. It's a hundred grand.
Hot Chick = Triple A Bond.
Loser = Negative return.
Marriage = Amortization.
Love = Undeclared interest
Singing = Literally throwing money out the window.
Poetry = High P/E ratio
It's not an apology, it's throwing good money after bad.
It's not equivocating, it's two dimes for a nickel.

How the Court will now start each session:
I pledge obeisance to the swag
Of the United Colors of Benneton
To Banana Republic on marked-down stands
Live Nation, Underwire
Unreturnable,
With Treasury, and just a free for all.

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